I am thinking this morning about my Christmas this year. Everyone in the conservative camp was in a twitter over the attempted hijacking of Christmas from the marketplace, replacing it with Holiday, Solstice, or ignoring it altogether. I don't normally get too excited about Christmas, mostly because it is not a day Jesus encouraged us to celebrate. He had very specific instructions for the celebration of His death and resurrection (which celebration was hijacked long ago), but he had little to say about the day of His birth and the need to buy gifts and decorate our homes in honor of His birth.

My Christmas this year was glorious--truly. And anyone who knows me knows that I almost always sigh a sigh of relief when it is all over. This year was different. I went through Christmas last year in a sort of mourning fog--mourning my first Christmas without John, but not feeling it all just yet. In fact, I think I went through the entire year in that fog; going through a lot of motions, having bursts of the most intense painful missing him, but overall, I wasn't "feeling" the feelings. This year it hit me full on and I longed for the fog to return, I missed him so powerfully I honestly wasn't sure I would survive it.

I decorated my house and cried. I shopped and cried. I went to Church and cried. Driving downtown in the snow, I cried. John was everywhere--around every corner and in every restaurant and Christmas event. I just wanted him back. In the 75 mph wind storm which tore shingles off my roof, I missed him. I needed him to take care of that; he always took care of everything. Trying to shovel the snow off my driveway I needed him. I never thought of those things, it never occurred to me how really difficult it is to shovel snow.

The loss was as fresh as if it had happened yesterday.

But once all the shopping and decorating and big events had passed, and all 38 members of my family--from Phoenix and Tucson--arrived, it all changed. Jesus gave me a Christmas present this year. He reminded me of His love and His care and His compassion for me and He showed me all of that with my family. Oh yes, it was a madhouse--loud and wild and crazy--which John did not always appreciate, but which I desperately needed this year.

My sons and their wives and my dear and precious grandchildren (minus Jacob who had to stay in Phoenix because of illnesss), all spent the night here and once more this empty house was filled with the sounds of children giddy with excitement and wide eyed with joy. It was Christmas!

I felt greedy to be so blessed, so undeserving of all of the benefits that Jesus continues to pour down on me in so many ways.

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I sent off my book proposal. Somehow in the middle of Christmas madness, I actually got it in the mail after long months of procrastination.

I also finished designing the volunteer applications for Joshua Fund and sent them to be reviewed. Again, after longs months of procrastination.

It feels this morning as if my mind has had a good cleaning and I am thinking clearly and for the first time in months, I am caught up on all of those things that have been hanging around on my desk and around my chair.

I think the grieving and crying cleared out a space in my soul for the new year.

I have sat in a hospital waiting room with friends or family while a family member lay dying, three times since November. Have attended the funeral of these loved ones three times in the same little chapel at my Church. The first time, my brother-in-law, Bob, sent me reeling. I think it was the catalyst which opened up the floodgates of my fresh grieving. The second was the mother of a long-time friend and now the mother of another of my good friends. It has changed me. I want to spend as much valuable quality time as I can with my mother. I don't want to hurry her out when she comes upstairs to visit me. I want to write about our mothers, instructions on how to love, appreciate and care for them when they are old. It is very much on my heart to do this now, while there is quality time left.
And so, Lord Jesus, what is Your assignment for me this coming year? I have my own little plans and agendas, but they are easily moved aside by You as You help Yourself to my life. So help Yourself--it is all Yours. I love You so much.