Jesus calling

We have had several days of snow now. It comes from a severe storm off the Pacific which has drowned Southern California in rain, 93 mph wind, tornadoes, water spouts and mudslides. It continues today for the fourth straight day. Today is supposed to be the last day and tomorrow my little weather widget on my computer has a bright sunshiny icon, which makes me smile. I am a true Arizona girl. I love the sun, I even love the dry heat, so I say "Come on sun, four days is too long to be without those warm rays blasting through my windows."

I woke up at 4:30 this morning and gave in to it. I got out of bed instead of returning to the warmth of the down comforter and pillow for a couple more hours of sleep. There are so many things going on in the world, in my country, in my State, in my family and in me personally that threaten to rob me of peace. I found these things crowding into my early morning with Jesus, "Good morning Lord, what a blessing and honor it is to come into Your presence this morning...[where is my list of things to do that I wrote out yesterday, I must have left it in my purse, got to remember to get that out and add such and such to it]...oh yes, and Lord, this morning can I talk to you about this thing that is troubling me concerning my son's finances, it is hurting my heart and I so want to fix it...[I could go to Bed, Bath and Beyond and find that comforter I have been looking for, oh yes, here it is in my clippings from the latest Cottage Living magazine--Oooh, I love the way this looks, it would look perfect in my...] Oh Jesus, listen to me! I am just so double minded this morning, I can't keep my eyes fixed on You at all!"

This morning in a little devotional booklet I picked up over Christmas called "Jesus Calling", I read His response to me: "It's all right to be human. When your mind wanders while you are praying, don't be surprised or upset. Simply return your attention to Me. Share a secret smile with Me, knowing that I understand."

Wow! Was that You Lord, did You just respond to me like that?

How do we return our attention to Him? I don't try to pretend that I am superspiritual wonder woman, but this morning I did what I have done so often, I simply said "Jesus, You know my heart and how my mind wanders all over the place. I can't control these things, but You abide in me and Your mind is not wandering all over the place; it is steadfast, fixed, at peace and not at all overwhelmed by the things that are overwhelming me. I choose to walk into Your peace and undisturbed composure right now. Jesus, come and be my peace. Come and be my security. Come and be my fearlessness. Come and order my thoughts for this day. Remind me that even if my children undergo trials and tribulations, it is for their refining and for their good and for Your glory and I don't have to fix everything. So, right now my Beloved Lord, go ahead and pray for them through me, with Your groanings too deep for words, groanings that I myself experience, but do not know how to voice. Pray Your own will for them; Your own plan for their sanctification and growth."

And Peace returns.

It always does.

Shachah (Fall Face Down)

In Hebrew, Worship is the word "Shachah" which means to "fall face down."


This morning, early, face down in worship, I surrendered another of those things to Him and His presence enveloped me. Words fail when attempting to describe those moments, and so I will resist the urge to even try.


It started on Saturday. I was faced with a temptation. Jesus has been ministering His plans for my life and my decisions for awhile now, beginning with the financial trials during John's illness. He beckoned me "Will you trust Me? Even with this?" "This" was my "no water" situation at the time. No income, not for six months. I resisted the urge to fix it myself, because He told me that this was from His own hand and it was for a training of His faithfulness into my life. I trusted and for six months, He provided, above and beyond what I needed. I ended up with $500 when it was all over and I received our first disability check. In myriad ways, He has brought me to this place again and again since then and I am in awe of His provision and especially the ways He seems to delight in surprising me with it. Still, I trust the "Provider" and love Him, more than the provision.


Now, as my "husband" He is training me in this trust. It has to do with money and possessions; it has always been this way. I tithe and pay my bills, but what is left over is mine to spend as I like, right? Then why, when he has provided over and above what I need to be comfortable, do I end up with more month than paycheck?


This weekend, I was given the opportunity to have this training put to the test. I have been coveting a little white Honda CRV. I had a CRV and loved it, but sold it along with John's car when Jesus told me to sell both cars and have only one. This was so that John, who had to give up driving and was refusing, would not have as many opportunities to drive, and it worked; much as he hated it, he had to give up driving and he accepted that the selling of his car was ok. Shortly thereafter, he began having the seizures and was "ordered" to give up driving. It was a huge thing, for John loved to drive, and I loved driving with him.


So the car I had purchased was a nice, 2006 Altima, but in the way back recesses of my heart, I longed for another CRV. And now, there it was, priced way too affordable. My son wanted to buy my car at fair market value, and he did all the wheeling and dealing for the CRV. In the end, I would only have to come up with $4,000 "out the door" to have it.


But I had no peace.


I sought the Lord, but there are times, you know, when you hear from him, but choose to believe that it was your imagination. He has been training money decisions into me, and I have been learning so much about what I "want" and what I "need" in the process. He has not deprived me of anything, not even the silly things I want, but this time He seemed to be saying something and it was my choice whether I listened to Him or to my "wants."


You see, as a widow, I now must make all these decisions through my "Husband" Jesus. I have to ask myself, if John were alive, would I be making this decision independent of him? Well, I did that, or at least I knew how to manipulate the situation so that he thought it was his idea and he would go along when I wanted something that we couldn't really afford. I was quite good at that.


But this was Jesus. Would I attempt to manipulate Him so that I could get what I wanted? That was the big question before me this weekend.


He has been telling me to pay off everything (which compared to people deep in debt, isn't much), and He has made a way for me to do that. Pay off the little debts before you add more to it. The question then shot through my mind, Do I need another car? Is the car I now have serving the purpose? Is it in need of repair? Does it require repairs? The answer of course is a resounding "NO"! Did God provide it? Yes He did.


So, this morning, I woke very early--4:30. I wanted to snuggle down into my big warm comforter and go back to sleep but felt compelled to get up. In fact, I nearly bounded out of bed--rare to have that much energy so early in the morning.


With my steaming cup of dark roast coffee, sitting in my favorite rocker in my little office, I turned on my ipod to worship music before I opened my Bible. There is a tremendous storm brewing outside, the wind is howling and it is cold, but in my little coccoon where I go to meet alone with Jesus every morning, it is a warm glow of golden light, and He is very near. I always know when He wakes me early and rouses me out of a warm bed, that He has something important to discuss with me, or to pray through me. This morning was no different and as I listened to Paul Wilber singing "Dance with me Lord" and reading 2 Chronicles 7:3, as Solomon dedicates the new Temple, the people all "fell to the ground" and worshipped. Shachah--fall face down.


I did.


And I had my answer from Him. No, I would not buy the much coveted little shiny white CRV. I would offer it back to him as an act of worship. For that is what worship is, an offering of everything we are, have and desire. We think it is standing in Church listening to beautiful music singing with hands raised, and that is certainly a part of worship. But Abraham, as he was taking that long painful walk towards Mt. Moriah with his only beloved son, to offer him to the Lord, told his servants that he and the lad would go on alone and worship. His offering of this most beloved and precious thing in his entire life, his long-awaited son, was worship.


I would not manipulate my Husband and cajole Him into letting me have this thing. Not this time.


I learned some years ago while reading Daniel 1 that Daniel and his friends refused to eat of the King's delicacies in obedience to the Lord, and a few verses later it says that the Lord added to them wisdom. I heard Him say to me, "You see, the reward for obedience is not things or possessions or even that you will become great and have great favor. The reward for obedience is wisdom. When you choose to obey Me, I will add to you My wisdom."


It was a powerful lesson and has stayed with me.


And just to make sure that I got this lesson this morning, reading a little devotional booklet written by Max Lucado, it said:


"If you believe, you will get anything you ask for in prayer" (Matthew 21:22).


"Don't reduce this grand statement to the category of new cars and paychecks. Don't limit the promise of this passage to the selfish pool of perks and favors. The fruit God offers is far greater than earthly wealth. His dreams are much greater than promotion and proposals.


"God wants you to fly. He wants you to fly free of yesterday's guilt. He wants you to fly free of today's fears. He wants you to fly free of tomorrow's grave. Sin, fear, death. These are the mountains He has moved. These are the prayers He will answer."


"New cars and paychecks..." sometimes, in very serious matters of the heart, He also makes me laugh!


Shachah.

What Does This Look Like?

I asked that question a little over a year ago. I was thinking about all of the changes in our world, in our country, in our Churches. It sometimes feels that we have been placed into a blender and everything once familiar is now unfamiliar, changed, foreign. We live in what they call the "Post-Modern" generation. I'm not sure I can define that exactly, but someone can I'm sure. I taught the subject of Bible prophecy many times in various Bible studies, and it was always taught as a sort of "here is what is coming--be prepared--be informed!" Suddenly, it began to actually look more real--the reality was here and now my focus changed to "What are we, the body of Christ, supposed to look like to the world as the world begins to turn upside down?" Are we supposed to take up arms and fight? Are we supposed to join in the movements with Christian activists and "take back our country?" I stay up to date with world news, but I grew weary of the many angry commentators getting into arguments on the news talk shows, finding myself becoming angry and frustrated and even fearful every time I heard the latest "change" facing us and the latest "rights" being removed from us.


So, what does Jesus want me, His follower and disciple, to look like in the face of the coming darkness? Reading Jeremiah I heard Him instructing me. As in the days of Jeremiah, we find ourselves facing a spiraling down of everything familair in our nation and as with Israel, there was a time to fight, to take back our country, to do everything in our power to maintain the status quo. But God told Jeremiah to tell the leaders not to fight this time. He told them to relinquish their own beloved Jerusalem and go willingly into captivity. The time for God's refining of the children of Israel, and the purification of the Land had come and they were to submit to His refining. They had gotten off track, lost their focus, forgotten what was important to their God and developed their own religious system. The leaders cried out "NO! This cannot be. This is the Land God gave to us; the Temple is here!" But Jeremiah continued to stand his post, the post God assigned to him and warned the religious leaders to submit and to go into captivity--into Babylon. God would protect them there, but he would not protect them if they refused to submit.


How does this look in my life today? What should I look like to the world that is careening headlong into darkness? I am to have Hope--the "Blessed Hope" that is Jesus. In a hopeless world, what will the people want more than anything? They will want Hope. We have hope. We have the only Hope there is; the only Hope that is real--Jesus Christ.


So often in the past several years, when despair met me at the door when I entered into my house, I walked through my house speaking out loud to the enemy who wanted to rob me of joy, quoting from John 17 that Jesus prayed for me. He prayed that I would be in Him and He would be in me and we would be one in the Father and that His joy would be in me and my joy would be full! Therefore! No one can have my joy because it isn't mine--it is His and His prayers are always answered.


Today I choose to walk in His joy no matter what is going on around me. Amen

The Broken Vessels

I want to begin writing about my little group of friends. We call ourselves the "Broken Vessels." We are from a variety of Churches, certainly a variety of backgrounds and most definitely a variety of walks of life. We are a microcosm of what the Bible calls "The body of Christ." What is the body of Christ? It is the new and extended family of believers in Jesus Christ which we join when we invite Jesus to live His life in and through us. He is the Head of the body, and we are all the building blocks which make up Jesus Christ's spiritual body as He lives exactly His life through each of us individually and corporately. We cannot be lone ranger believers--there is no such thing as a closet Christian. We are part of a vast network of fingers, toes, legs, mouths, hearts, hands, eyes, and even those hidden parts--livers, spleens, gallbladders. You get the picture.
I want to write about these amazing members of Jesus' body as they relate to me personally and, as we talked about yesterday, the "workshop" that Jesus has placed us in together as we walk through late mid-life together. We are what they call the "sandwich" generation--sandwiched in between leaving our life of raising children to now taking care of parents. There was a brief period of time when the children left home, married and began raising their own children and when the parents were still active and healthy, where we enjoyed a sort of respite from caretaking. John and I did a lot of traveling during those short years. We enjoyed each other's company, got to know each other all over again.
Our little group of broken vessels began as a small group of couples meeting together to study the Word of God. That was four years ago I think. Maybe three. It was after John got sick, that I know. They were all formerly of my Church but had left during a difficult period in the Church and were now attending Harvest. I was myself, sneaking off to Harvest; going to FBC with John and then after taking him home, going to Harvest. My son and his family were going there, and I loved the music and teaching, and of course, the fellowship with my little group of friends.
We were a group of couples, although John in his new state of dementia, had decided he didn't want to be a part of this group. The old social butterfly who loved socializing, had become reclusive and grumpy with this group. So, I went alone. How many times during our times of sharing, I sat alone and wept as these dear friends loved on me and encouraged me. Thus, I had learned through this experience that I very much needed this body of Christ and these broken vessels in particular.


And how can I neglect to mention that Jesus used my own family in this process-my own mother, sisters and kids and even my little grandbabies! How many times did I get in the car with my sister Linda and scream and cry when it got to be too much? How many times did she scream and cry with me? How many times did I go to my sister Pat's second house in Dewey, crying all the way and calling her and she had a word from the Lord just for me? How many times did I call my son Adam and he prayed the most anointed and powerful prayers for me, even once while he was broken down on his way to work? And Adam's wife Jeniece, sitting by John's bedside as he lay dying, reading to him from his own Bible, all of his highlighted passages. And how many times did my son Dane, and his wife Tasha just stand by my side watching as helplessly as I, as John vanished into the mist of dementia? The "ministry of presence" is as much a part of our ministry to each other as anything else, and that is what they provided and what my Mom provided. Seeing the fresh, innocent faces of my little grandbabies gave hope that there was a future for me, a future and a hope. God had moved a nephew and his wife down the street and they provided much needed assistance with house projects. Another nephew wrote a song about me.


And of course, there were my long-time faithful Bible study women who stood with me from day one, praying for me, providing financial aid at times, letting me go on and on while I taught, pouring out my own personal pain to them? These showed up after John went home, cleaning, shaping up my very messy yard,  and one couple who had moved to Iowa, sent me money every month while I waited for John's retirement to process (four months). What they sent was exactly what I would need to live on. These fragrant aroma saints did just what the body of Christ does best--when the Holy Spirit actually gets to operate unhindered by formality and programs.


There isn't enough time or space here to name all of the ministering angels who came to my side and continue to come to my side and I will never be able to thank them, or Jesus, enough for what they have given to me.

I am thinking this morning about my Christmas this year. Everyone in the conservative camp was in a twitter over the attempted hijacking of Christmas from the marketplace, replacing it with Holiday, Solstice, or ignoring it altogether. I don't normally get too excited about Christmas, mostly because it is not a day Jesus encouraged us to celebrate. He had very specific instructions for the celebration of His death and resurrection (which celebration was hijacked long ago), but he had little to say about the day of His birth and the need to buy gifts and decorate our homes in honor of His birth.

My Christmas this year was glorious--truly. And anyone who knows me knows that I almost always sigh a sigh of relief when it is all over. This year was different. I went through Christmas last year in a sort of mourning fog--mourning my first Christmas without John, but not feeling it all just yet. In fact, I think I went through the entire year in that fog; going through a lot of motions, having bursts of the most intense painful missing him, but overall, I wasn't "feeling" the feelings. This year it hit me full on and I longed for the fog to return, I missed him so powerfully I honestly wasn't sure I would survive it.

I decorated my house and cried. I shopped and cried. I went to Church and cried. Driving downtown in the snow, I cried. John was everywhere--around every corner and in every restaurant and Christmas event. I just wanted him back. In the 75 mph wind storm which tore shingles off my roof, I missed him. I needed him to take care of that; he always took care of everything. Trying to shovel the snow off my driveway I needed him. I never thought of those things, it never occurred to me how really difficult it is to shovel snow.

The loss was as fresh as if it had happened yesterday.

But once all the shopping and decorating and big events had passed, and all 38 members of my family--from Phoenix and Tucson--arrived, it all changed. Jesus gave me a Christmas present this year. He reminded me of His love and His care and His compassion for me and He showed me all of that with my family. Oh yes, it was a madhouse--loud and wild and crazy--which John did not always appreciate, but which I desperately needed this year.

My sons and their wives and my dear and precious grandchildren (minus Jacob who had to stay in Phoenix because of illnesss), all spent the night here and once more this empty house was filled with the sounds of children giddy with excitement and wide eyed with joy. It was Christmas!

I felt greedy to be so blessed, so undeserving of all of the benefits that Jesus continues to pour down on me in so many ways.

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I sent off my book proposal. Somehow in the middle of Christmas madness, I actually got it in the mail after long months of procrastination.

I also finished designing the volunteer applications for Joshua Fund and sent them to be reviewed. Again, after longs months of procrastination.

It feels this morning as if my mind has had a good cleaning and I am thinking clearly and for the first time in months, I am caught up on all of those things that have been hanging around on my desk and around my chair.

I think the grieving and crying cleared out a space in my soul for the new year.

I have sat in a hospital waiting room with friends or family while a family member lay dying, three times since November. Have attended the funeral of these loved ones three times in the same little chapel at my Church. The first time, my brother-in-law, Bob, sent me reeling. I think it was the catalyst which opened up the floodgates of my fresh grieving. The second was the mother of a long-time friend and now the mother of another of my good friends. It has changed me. I want to spend as much valuable quality time as I can with my mother. I don't want to hurry her out when she comes upstairs to visit me. I want to write about our mothers, instructions on how to love, appreciate and care for them when they are old. It is very much on my heart to do this now, while there is quality time left.
And so, Lord Jesus, what is Your assignment for me this coming year? I have my own little plans and agendas, but they are easily moved aside by You as You help Yourself to my life. So help Yourself--it is all Yours. I love You so much.